Conference
by Artemis Zephyr
Summary: The Yu-Gi-Oh characters go to their annual conference, where they run into a few things and situations that need to be handled. One-shot. Warnings inside.


This fic is not intended to offend anyone. This is just my own way of poking a little fun at some of things that people do (including myself) to the characters of Yu-Gi-Oh when writing fanfiction that I find highly amusing. Again, this is not meant to offend anyone, as I have on more than one occasion butchered the characterizations of many a Yu-Gi-Oh character. So enjoy, and hopefully laugh.

Warnings: Yaoi, Yuri, Lime, Hetero-ness (we have to think of a nickname for that), language, and anything else I could think of that would make this fic more interesting and funny. Please read with an open mind and a sense of humor, because that was the whole point.

Conference

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"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects." – Arnold Glasow

The conference hall was filled with the Yu-Gi-Oh canon characters. Each one sat in his or her seat waiting for the annual meeting to begin about whatever it is that anime characters busy themselves with talking about once a year.

Jou sat in a seat towards the middle of the crowded room looking as bored as one can look on one such occasion. Leaning backwards, he craned his neck to see if Seto Kaiba was once again ditching the meeting, as the arrogant CEO was prone to do. His eyes fell on an unexpected sight when he saw, sitting exactly behind him, the other duelist. Jou frowned, which, since he was hanging up side-down, appeared to be a smile. Something was definitely not right here. Seto was frowning right back at him, but it was the fact that Jou's head was upside-down that worried the situation further. Seto should look like he was smiling at him from this angle, not frowning.

Sitting up sharply Jou turned to see a grinning Kaiba, and not only was this Kaiba grinning but he was grinning straight at him.

__

'Ten minutes until core meltdown…' Okay, so Jou knew this could not be correct. Seto Kaiba never smiled, least of all at Jounouchi Katsuya. But here he sat, staring wide-eyed at a practically beaming Seto. What had he had to drink last night?

"Hello Jou." Kaiba said. The CEO leaned forward until he was definitely in Jou's 'bubble' of personal space. "How are you doing?"

Jou's mouth dropped, quite literally, anime-style to the floor. Once the blonde found a convenient car-lift and closed his mouth he attempted to respond to who he thought was Seto with a lobotomy.

"Uh…hi…Kaiba…" The other duelist barely managed to get out passed his surprised look.

Seto smiled again, showing two rows of perfectly straight teeth. Jou swallowed. _'Something is so incredibly wrong here.'_

"Oh Jou! Don't call me Kaiba anymore. Call me Seto. That's what all my friends call me." Again, Seto beamed at Jou.

Jou stopped preparing a response and almost passed out. _'This can't be Seto Kaiba. Number one, Kaiba has NO friends. Number two; no one calls him Seto. And number three, Seto does not smile, especially not three times in the span of two minutes.'_

"Who the hell are you?" Jou ground out. He knew this guy looked like Seto, but he would be damned to Hell and back before he believed it was actually the duelist he had come to know and hate.

"Me? I'm Loving!Seto. I love you." The imposter leaned forward with a grin and kissed Jou square on the lips. Gagging and wrenching himself away from the other duelist, Jou stood with his fists raised ready to take this total whackjob down.

"What the hell!?"

Suddenly the conference room doors slammed opening with a loud bang and the real Seto Kaiba came strutting in. Latched onto one of his heels (most likely with rubber cement) was some girl Jou had never seen before. She was very nice looking, but the way she was being dragged on the floor as she clung to Seto's leg was a bit of a turn off.

"You said you loved me!!" The girl hollered as she was yanked down the aisle towards the stage.Seto stopped abruptly, and the momentum caused the annoying but strong girl to crash nose first into the back of his leg.

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear you little whore, I did not, nor will I ever admit to loving another human being, let alone whatever the hell you consider yourself to be." The girl immediately jumped to her feet.

"I love it when you play hard to get!"

Jou, who had been watching the whole scene play out, snickered quietly to himself. Well, at least he knew where the _real _Seto Kaiba had gone. Two strong hands found their way around his shoulders and Jou felt himself pulled back into a warm embrace.

"Enjoying the show, my little stud-muffin?" Jou recognized the voice and immediately reeled around having forgotten about Loving!Seto. The other just cocked his head at him and took an assured step forward.

"Whoa! Back off there, buddy. I don't think Jou's into that sort of thing." Jou craned his head around to find the source of the voice, but was unable to find anyone. Meanwhile, Jou felt two hands on his shoulders holding him back, leading him away from Loving!Seto who was busy talking up a potted plant.

"What in the…?"

"It's me, Jou." It took him a moment but Jou soon placed the familiar voice.

"Honda? Is that you? Where are you?"

"Not Honda…Nonexistent!Honda." Raising an eyebrow Jou backed away slowly. He felt a presence beside him and assumed it was the fanfiction version of his best friend.

"So why are you Nonexistent!Honda? And where is the real Honda?"

"Well, in some cases such as our good friend Kaiba, the fanfiction version is so off course that they split into two separate entities. Now, as for me, I wasn't changed, just written out of fanfiction all together, so Honda and Nonexistent!Honda fused. Just call me Honda for now. I'm here to have a talk with the creator, maybe he can do something." Jou detected a slight sigh from his invisible companion, but decided to worry about it after the conference.

"Then who's the chick who's glued to Kaiba's leg?" Jou felt his friend shift his gaze to the stage where Seto Kaiba was glaring and looking around for some head of authority with the same girl still gripping his leg.

"Oh. Her. That would be a MS."

"A what?" Jou was definitely confused.

"A Mary Sue."

"She's cute."

"They always are." Honda explained. "They are Original Characters, but in the most deformed sense of the words. Original Characters are meant for plot movement, but well, a Mary Sue is a PERFECT GIRL. I mean, she's usually in love with one of the characters and always manages to win his affections…"

"How come I don't have a MS all over me?" Jou said feeling a little left out.

"Maybe if you were cuter, Jou." Honda offered as he used an invisible hand to pinch his best friend's cheek.

Suddenly Anzu walked in, only she was wearing an incredibly short skirt, halter-top, and fishnet stockings. The invisible Honda helpfully rolled Jou's tongue back in his head for him and handed him a mop for the drool.

"Hey boy." The girl said walking up to them. "Twenty for head, fifty for a lay."

If anyone could have seen Nonexistent!Honda they would have said that his eyes had almost popped out of his head. No matter, as the girl was only talking to Jou anyway.

"Who—Who are you?" Honda barely managed to get out.

The girl craned her neck this way and that trying to find the source of the voice.

"Honda?"

"It's me. Now who are you, cause something tells me that you're not the real Anzu."

A sly smile appeared over strawberry lip-glossed lips. "Good call. Though I am much better…model if I do say so. I'm Slut!Anzu. So…" The girl said hiking her skirt up an extra inch to show off her thighs. "Wanna ride?"

Jou was busy digging in his pocket for money when Honda grabbed him and dragged him away, which was a funny sight as it appeared that Jou merely couldn't walk properly on his own.

"We have to find Anzu, Jou. The real one, and stop looking for money. You're broke. You still owe me ten for whooping your pansy-ass in poker the other day at lunch, anyway." Honda said, peering at a glaring Jou who was glaring in the wrong direction anyway. It was hard to glare at an invisible person.

"Where are we going to find her anyway…? This place has gone to hell." A quick look around confirmed this to be true, as various Yu-Gi-Oh characters were complaining to a black-cloaked and faceless figure on the stage. Slowly making his way to the front of the line using his elbows and deathglares was none other than Seto Kaiba.

Suddenly a Shadow Ghoul appeared barring the path of all the duelists proclaiming:

"FORM A LINE MORTALS. ALL SHALL SEE THE GREAT KAZUKI TAKAHASHI IN DUE TIME."

Kaiba marched forward and placed an accusing finger in the middle of the beast's formidable expanse of a chest.

"I did not come here to stand in line. I came here to have this—" Seto said holding up a leg, which was still being held onto by a giggling girl. "Removed."

The monster surveyed Kaiba, looking him over a moment. "Very well. Be quick. Many others have things they wish to speak about with The Creator."

"Fuck whoever 'The Creator' is. I want this thing off of me."

"You should not speak of The Creator in such—"

"Shove it you poor excuse for a salad slicer." Seto said brushing past the Shadow Ghoul and towards the cloaked figure on stage.

The cloaked figure regarded Seto with interest, motioning for him to explain.

"Look whoever you are. I want this thing removed…"

Honda and Jou waited patiently in line as Seto reamed whoever was in the cloak out for the atrocity strapped to his leg. Suddenly a small "Hi" informed the two that someone was behind them.

There stood Ryou, looking pretty normal.

"Hey Ryou, what's up?" Jou said. Honda stayed quiet, preferring not to have to explain why he was invisible. It was rather embarrassing the twentieth time around.

"I'm here to inquire about a problem. This is certainly the most interesting conference we've had in a while, isn't it?" Ryou said smiling at Jou.

"Yeah…but what's your problem?" Jou inquired. Ryou didn't look any different than he had last seen him.

"I'm not really just Ryou. I'm No-Backbone!Ryou." This statement was accompanied by a small sigh. Shrugging, Ryou continued. "In almost every fanfic I'm in, I end up crying or trying to commit suicide. I'm beginning to think that people think I'm unstable."

"Well, I've always thought that, Ryou." Jou said with a wink, earning him a glare from the slightly shorter boy.

"Anyway—"

"ARGH!"

All three of the boys turned in the direction of the noise.

"Did someone shoot a buffalo?" Jou inquired to Ryou.

"I have no idea." Was the boy's slightly wide-eyed reply.

Suddenly, a very pretty, very blonde, and very angry Mai was storming towards their positions in the line. Honda hid behind Jou (though it didn't really matter), and in turn Jou hid behind Ryou. Mai rushed over to them and stood there, breathing heavily, with her hands on her hips and staring straight ahead.

"You know, Mai…" Jou started, wary of the fact that she looked to be in what most men referred to as 'ball-crushing' mode. "You should go to the back of the line and stand—"

Mai turned to regard Jou, who slunk further behind Ryou who was looking just as scared. Her eye twitched once as she reigned in her rage. "Well, Jou, I have an important problem, too. And I need it handled as soon as—"

"But still! We all had to wait in line just like—"

"Shut up, you poor excuse for a human life form!" Mai shrieked at the blonde and then slammed a hand over her mouth and tried to sigh through it.

Honda, Ryou, and Jou all exchanged surprised looks, well only Ryou and Jou but Honda tried. What had gotten into Mai?

Mai took a few deep breaths and tried to control herself. "Kaiba and Anzu are lucky…at least they were separated from their alternate forms. I was unlucky enough to fuse together with mine…"

"You know…" Jou started (he never learns). "That must mean the two aren't that far off from each other."

Bakura suddenly took over his light's body and in a small act of bravery placed restraining hands on Mai's shoulders, thought whether it was to keep her from throttling the blonde or just to cop a quick feel no one will ever know.

"So what or rather who are you?" Bakura inquired once Mai lost her 'I'll kill him and hide him under my house' look.

"Bitch!Mai…" Was the mumbled reply from the curly headed woman.

"What?" Jou asked again. "I couldn't hear you."

"BITCH!MAI!"

The entire conference room quieted, including Seto who was still stating a seemingly endless list of complaints to the cloaked figure, which appeared to have fallen asleep anyway. Even the MS strapped to Seto's leg stopped her groping.

"Ahem…" Mai said, trying to clear her throat and appear normal.

Jou was now sitting atop Ryou's shoulders, as Bakura had relinquished power back to him, looking for all the world like a scared cat, while the snow-haired boy tried desperately not to fall on his butt.

A few moments later the normal chatting started again, and Seto began his rant again.

Mai turned to regard the boys and Jou flinched still refusing to get off of Ryou.

"We have to hurry this up." She hissed quietly, trying her best not to scream at them. Fighting off her fanfiction alter-half was getting to be a challenge. "Kaiba-boy is going to take forever if we don't do something. He's probably still bitching about the social inadequacy of whoever the hell that chick is…"

Jou and Ryou nodded which was interesting to look at, as every time Ryou nodded Jou nearly toppled off his head.

"I'm all up for interrupting old Kaiba-kins." Jou said with an evil grin sliding back down to the floor of the conference hall.

Mai raised an eyebrow at the nickname. "Is that your pet-name for him, or do you normally just call him that after you two—"

She was abruptly cut off as Jou shoved a hand over her mouth. 'Ha…Ha…Ha. Very funny, Mai. What about you and Anzu? I heard you two had tried some pretty creepy stuff with each other…How's that been working out for you?"

Mai willed herself to ignore the term 'creepy' and shrugged. "Fine, she was really acting a bit weird. Though I like the fishnets stockings…"

Jou and Honda decided not to tell Mai who she had actually fooled around with.

Bakura suddenly took back over Ryou and his body. He glared at all of them, except Mai, whose gaze he avoided. The last he needed was to have to beat down some neurotic, D-cup chick.

"Yes, I ran into her earlier, though I had to steal twenty from my little other." The tomb-raider said casting a sly smile at Jou whose eyes widened to an abnormal size.

"Anyway," Mai grit out through clenched teeth. "We need to get past that Shadow Ghoul and talk to whoever the hell that cloaked figure is."

"I think I can help!" The trio turned around (should be a foursome, but again, no one cares or knows about old Honda.) and regarded the short youth they had come to know as Yugi.

"Hey, Yug. What's your complaint, huh? You have it pretty nice…a decent fangirl collection, yaoi and het pairings. What's the matter?" Jou asked his friend.

Yugi sighed and regarded the blonde with a tired look. "Everyone gets these great pairings. I mean, I've seen my fair share of Bakura/Ryou, Yami/Seto, Seto/Bakura, Bakura/Malik, Seto/Jou—"

"Yeah, but no Jou/Setos that's for damn sure…" Grumbled the blonde, amidst a snickering Mai and smirking Bakura.

"Oh, be quiet you stupid tomb raider. I've had enough of those damn Bakura/Jou pairings where I'm always on bottom!" Jou yelled.

Bakura smirked and sauntered over to the glaring blonde wrapping his arms around his shoulders as they were only separated by an inch in height.

"Oh come now, Jounouchi. Don't act like you don't like being on bottom. Besides, you're too excited to ever be on top." The tomb raider sneered. "You finish too quickly."

Bakura licked Jou's ear as the other boy paled at the statement. Mai snorted quietly as Bakura continued to seduce a rather flustered Jou. They did make for quite the cute couple when Jou wasn't griping and Bakura wasn't trying to take over the known universe.

Yugi laughed a bit but continued on. "The thing is, all I ever get is paired with my Yami. Sometimes with Anzu, but it usually ends with me in the background and a Yami/Anzu. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's great in the—" The youth leaned forward and with a blush continued. "Sack."

Jou raised a suspicious eyebrow. "You mean, you and the pharaoh aren't…you know?"

Yugi blushed and shook his head.

"Then who are you going out with?" Came a British-tinted accent. Bakura must have become bored and let Ryou take over again.

Yugi blushed an even deeper shade of red and coughed once or twice.

"Well, no one actually. Although, I did run into Anzu a few minutes back and she…well…she did something." The youth's eyes became large and unbelieving for a moment as he continued. "But then she demanded twenty dollars from me afterwards! Is that how a relationship works?"

"A good one…" Mai mumbled quietly under her breath as Honda spit out some of the soda he had been drinking on Jou, causing Ryou to look around and wonder why soda was coming out of thin air.

"Anyway, Yug, how can you help us get past that Shadow Ghoul?" Jou finally asked after wiping up the soda. Yugi smiled at his friend and pulled out his deck.

"We'll just summon some of our own monsters."

Ryou raised an eyebrow along with Honda (whom no one noticed) and Mai nodded in agreement.

"It could work." She agreed.

"Then let's do it." Jou said.

Yugi nodded and proceeded to pull out the Black Magician from his deck and quickly cut to the front amidst the grumbling members from the line. The Shadow Ghoul reared its ugly head. An all out battle was expected as Jou made sure to have his Red Eyes Black Dragon on standby should Yugi need his help, and behind him stood Mai with her hand on her Harpy's Lady card.

"Black Magician go!" Yugi cried as the card glowed a moment and a life size Black Magician appeared.

The Shadow Ghoul looked prepared to attack and suddenly lunged when…

"FRANK?"

__

"Harry, is that you?"

"HA HA, OLD FRIEND!"

__

"It has been a long time. How are Cynthia and the children?"

Yugi and Jou's mouths dropped and Mai's eyes were painfully large as the two duel monsters walked off with one another talking happily about car loans and house payments.

"Well…at least the resistance is gone." Mai stated as she climbed the stairs to the stage.

Ryou nodded and followed close behind with Honda who continually tripped Jou, just for the hell of it. Yugi followed close behind, reciting in his head just what exactly he wanted to say to The Creator.

Upon coming to the top of the steps, our trio (plus Honda…somewhere) came upon the sight of a perturbed Seto Kaiba glaring daggers at a snoring figure while a scantily-clad girl was latched securely to his leg. Mai was the only one brave enough to approach Seto, while the others watched with silent concern as the eldest Kaiba clenched and unclenched his fists to avoid throttling The Creator.

Placing a restraining hand on his shoulder Mai cast a glance at the snoring Creator. This was going to be such a long conference…

"What's that on your leg, Kaiba?" She inquired looking at the whimpering girl as she mumbled about children, everlasting love, and a pure heart.

"Something I want to die…slowly."

Mai nodded as she turned again to the still sleeping figure in the chair. She daintily kicked The Creator as hard as she could manage in her stiletto heels, and smiled approvingly when it cried out and jumped to its feet.

"Why you scheming whore!"

Both Seto and Mai's eyes widened at the voice. They knew that voice. Knew it like they knew its owner and the death they wished on him.

"Malik." Seto hissed.

Whipping his hood back the Egyptian smiled. "None other."

"You're not the creator."

"Amazing perception, dear Kaiba. He couldn't make it, sadly." The blonde said moving towards Seto with a confident stride. "Something about a meeting with the penthouse girls and a hot-tub."

Seto merely continued to glare at the arrogant youth.

Malik turned to Mai. "I can help you all. Now, go stand in line and wait your turn. You've moved to the front of it anyway."

Mai nodded and returned to the group who was quietly watching the whole scene. They all eagerly awaited Malik's solution to Seto's problem.

"So what's your problem, dear Kaiba?"

Anger flashed in sapphire depths. "You weren't listening…!?"

"Well, of course not, I was sleeping. Jeez…Now what's your problem? And try not to ramble on this time, as I can't guarantee that I'll stay awake if you do."

Gritting his teeth Kaiba nodded. "Two things. Number one. This…thing strapped to my leg needs to leave."

Malik nodded and bent to examine the girl. She smiled at him and winked. 

"You know, Malik. After a highly successful relationship with Seto, I could have him rape me and then you could come save me…How about it?" She said, her voice sounding like wind chimes and just as annoying.

Malik flinched and stood. "Well, Kaiba. She wants the both of us. I opt for a threesome."

Seto's eyes widened to an unholy size but then returned to normal with a hint of understanding in them. "Yes…I suppose that would be best."

The MS's eyes widened with joy and disbelief as she gazed heavenward at her Seto Kaiba. Could he mean it? Malik merely smiled.

"Oh yes. I think it would, dear Kaiba."

"One condition, Malik." Seto said, waiting for a nod from Malik. "I get to fuck her brains out first and you can have the sloppy seconds…well…eighths, if you will."

At this the MS promptly ceased to comprehend the idea of Seto Kaiba having sex with her eight times and then being passed off to Malik for more psychotic fun. Her heart stopped and she quickly died.

Seto kicked the carcass away and looked again a Malik. "Second, I want—"

"I LOVE YOU!"

Seto suddenly found himself on the ground being kissed by someone who looked to be none other than himself.

"I love you!"

"Get off me you hell demon."

"Make love to me!"

Seto quickly threw his alter ego Loving!Seto to the floor and stepped on his windpipe, threatening to crush it should he try anything else. Malik chuckled to himself but waited for Seto to continue.

"Second, I want this abomination to my character to be destroyed."

Malik 'tsked' and shook his head. "I can't destroy him, dear Kaiba. I can only merge you with him. He will cease to exist, but in return you will have to give up your asinine dub characteristics and return to being the Seto in the original/subtitled episodes."

"You mean I won't get to be a total asshole anymore?"

Malik nodded. "I'm sorry. I know you've grown to love the role and all—"

"Do it."

Malik nodded again and raised his rod and suddenly there was a flash of light. Where there had once been two Setos, now only stood one. Nodding his silent gratitude, Seto walked off to the side of the stage to watch everything unfold.

"Next!"

Honda stepped forward and stood before Malik.

"Well. Come on! I haven't got all day. Who's next?!"

"I'm right here."

Malik looked at where Honda was standing. "Oh…I see. Or rather I don't and that's your problem, right?"

"Right. I just want to have someone right some fiction with me in it, instead of me just…well…not existing!"

"Aren't you in this fic, Honda?" Malik asked.

"Well…yes! Yes, I am!" Suddenly Honda appeared and jumped into the air delivering a high five to no one in particular. "Yes!"

Malik smiled evilly. "Well, I hope they're all as easy…Next!"

Mai came to up the stairs and stood before Malik.

"Let me guess." Malik sneered. "You want a brain."

Mai smiled sweetly and then lunged for his throat.

"Are you going to help me or not, you spiky-haired freak, because I'm not letting go until you do." She ground out at the now almost blue Malik.

"All right, all right…" He managed to get out.

"Turn me into my normal self." The blonde demanded.

Malik waved his rod and smiled. "It is done."

"I don't feel any different." Mai replied looking herself over and then back at Malik with a gleam of suspicion in her eye.

Malik looked nervous for a second. "Oh…uh…trust me…it worked…heh…"

Mai gave the Egyptian one last glare before standing off to the side to wait for her friends along with Honda and Seto who was watching silently.

"Well, that was close…Next!"

Jou bounded up to Malik and began talking not waiting for Malik to ask him what his problem was.

"Okay, I have a few problems. One, why aren't there any Jou/Seto fics out there?"

Seto raised an eyebrow at the question but smirked anyway.

Malik snickered. "You're going to have to do that on your own, Jounouchi. Though if I know Kaiba like I think I do you would have had better luck with Loving!Seto for that to happen."

Jou sighed but continued. "Second, why don't I have an MS."

"Because your fan-base of fangirls is almost non-existent at the moment; be thankful you have the small fan-base that you do*. Any other questions?"

Jou glared at the Egyptian before stating his last complaint. "Why am I always on bottom in a Yaoi relationship?"

Malik laughed evilly and looked at Jou. "I believe Bakura already explained this to you. You finish too quickly."

Malik turned, dismissing the blushing Jou and turning to the rest of the line. 

"Next!"

Yugi walked slowly up the stairs and stood before Malik. Refusing to meet the Egyptian's eyes he merely stared at his feet. Malik cocked his head at the youth and took a step forward.

"Well, what can I do to help you?"

Yugi blushed and took a step backwards. "I-I'm here because I-I always get the same pairing and-and I-I'm—"

"Tired of being the Pharaoh's supposed ass-meat?" Malik finished helpfully, and then scratched his chin. Yugi choked, but composed himself a moment later as Malik continued. "Well, who do you want to be paired with? I think I could manage that for at least the duration of the conference…"

Yugi blushed even deeper and swallowed.

"Hey!" Malik exclaimed, a light dawning in his sinister eyes. "Why don't you be my little scary-haired boy toy* for awhile?"

Yugi choked again at that and turned so red people thought that someone had strapped a tomato to his neck. "I-I-I-I—"

"Then it's settled." Malik said coming forward and claiming his lips. Yugi nodded and didn't stop him.

Suddenly the Pharaoh himself appeared and glared at the Egyptian with a look that can only be described as having the power to curdle milk.

"Does this mean I'm free to pursue the relationship of my choice?"

Malik pulled away from a dazed Yugi for a moment. "Hetero, gay, bestiality…at the moment I don't care what you do, Pharaoh."

Yami huffed a little in disdain, but went off to find the real Anzu. He had already had a run in with Slut!Anzu and was now twenty dollars poorer.

Malik reluctantly pulled away from the flushed bearer of the Millenium Puzzle and looked out towards the line. He sighed. It was rather long still as he had only settled a few claims. No matter, the sooner he got through the line the sooner he could take his little boy toy back to his house. Placing Yugi on his seat, Malik stood and regarded the crowd.

"Next!"

A very shy and timid Ryou appeared climbing the steps and stopped before him. Taking on look at Yugi and one look at Malik he drew the correct assumption.

"You two are going to—" Malik clamped a hand over the snow-haired boys mouth. 

"You guessed it. Now what's your problem?"

"But I thought you and Bakura were a couple." Ryou stated.

Suddenly, as if on cue, Bakura appeared. Momentarily separating from his light, Bakura looked Malik up and down once before sneering at the gold clad Egyptian.

"I would never screw this psychotic little whelp."

"Pity, because we are quite the famous pairing for all 'psychotic luving'. And though he's a decent liar, Bakura has been caught. You see, if you get him drunk he'll 'screw' just about anything that moves." Malik turned to Bakura. "Including that poor sheep."

Bakura's eyes widened. "We don't talk about the sheep."

Everyone being promptly disgusted, backed away from the tomb raider, who was just fine with it as he liked his space anyway.

"Anyway, Ryou." Malik went on. "What can I do for you?"

"I want a backbone."

"Finally!" Malik cried. "Someone phrased it like it was The Wizard of Oz! I have been waiting for that forever! Ahem…anyway…"

Malik raised his rod and with a flash of light it was done.

"All right, Bakura. Tell him to do something."

Bakura looked once at Malik and then at Ryou and then back again. Was the Egyptian insane? Well, of that there was no doubt, but surely…

"Come here." Bakura said calmly, expecting Ryou to come as soon as the command was issued. He was duly surprised.

"No."

Malik grinned. "See. Now he has a backbone, Bakura!"

Bakura glared daggers at the Egyptian. He was rather fond of the pushover version of Ryou. Though this 'backbone' probably wouldn't be too hard to scare out of him.

"Well, get along you two. I have others to see. Lives to fix. Marriages to destroy. And worlds to conquer with dental floss." At the strange looks from Mai and the gang off to the side he hastily added. "I made the last one up."

"No."

Amethyst eyes crawled over to a beaming Ryou who was happily rocking on his heel with his hands behind his back. "No, no, no, no—"

"I may have given him too much backbone…" Malik muttered to himself as he tapped the Millenium rod thoughtfully against his chin. "Ah well, he's your problem now. Off with you both."

Bakura glared and grabbed Ryou, throwing him over his shoulder and left the conference room, to do God knows what with his now defiant little other. Ryou gave the gang a thumbs up as he was hauled out of the room, singing the "No" song the entire way.

And so the day went, with Malik curing and rejoining characters and their alter egos or just returning them to their normal states. Though he didn't exactly seem to have his head in his work as he kept casting glances at Yugi who would blush and look away.

Jou turned to Mai. "I'm still and uber-uke. None of my problems got solved! This conference sucks so bad…" The blonde said and continued to pout with his arms crossed. Mai smiled and tousled his hair in a fond manner.

"Well, Jou…" She trailed off, and then whispered something in his ear. The other blushed and pulled away to stare at her. Mai continued. "And I'll even let you be on top."

Jou grinned and looped his arm with hers. "You got yourself a deal."

~ ~ ~ Owari ~ ~ ~ 

* I am a proud member of this fan club and Kudo points to all of you out there who are!

* The saying "scary-haired boy toy" is credited to Rayemars-sama who said it at 3:00 in the morning in an IM and gave me permission to use it. Thanks!

I didn't want to insult anyone's intelligence by stating that I do not agree with every point of view expressed in this fic. But just in case, I love all the YGO characters and I understand OoCness when it is appropriate with a fic, but everyone has to admit they have read some fic somewhere where they thought that the character's brain had been sucked out with a vacuum cleaner. Some of the statements in this fic were just used to further along the story or to make jokes.

Again, no one's feelings or egos were meant to be bruised in the writing of this fic. Except maybe that sheep…but we don't talk about the sheep.

~Artemis


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